Reflecting on Shedding Weight

• Posted on January 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

January is that time of year when we make New Year’s Resolutions that seem attainable because we are full of hope that THIS year will be so much different than the others even though we have done nothing to make it so.  We are filled with a false reality that all it takes is a new, better attitude and then the rest will just fall into place.  Then, when those New Year’s Resolutions fall by the waste side after a couple of months we are left with a feeling of failure and that old sense that nothing changes.

It’s a vicious cycle that can chip away at our self-esteem bit by bit leaving us with an unhealthy sense of our self.  I did it for years and years and years and now…well, I still make resolutions but I do them in a much different way.  I don’t put anything on my list that I don’t think attainable.  And most importantly, I write them down as a list of things that I would like to achieve for the whole year.  Not that it has to be completed but that they are things that I would like to work on and explore.  I make it more as a blue print for the what my focus will be on  instead of things that must be done like a wretched to-do list.

For me, change has to come in increments and it has to come at the right time. Especially, when it comes to things like weight or lifestyle.  Career goals seem to be easier to handle because they are an exterior reflection of myself.  They can be handled like projects and they have a beginning, middle and an end.  However, when it comes to things like shedding pounds or learning to be more compassionate or releasing old anger…those things are a little harder to tackle.

I think it’s because of the emotional value I put on it.  Everything I do from my weight to the way I act has some purpose for me.  It serves me in some way.  Whether it be positive or negative it is certainly a reflection of how I feel about myself and what my conditioned responses have taught me.  So, when I want to change those things it’s a bit harder.  There is serious work involved and sometimes it can be overwhelming.

One of my resolutions this year is to continue working on shedding pounds until I get to the weight I was before I had my son 14 years ago.  Yes, it has taken me that long to seriously consider doing something about it.  Life sort of has a way of creeping up on you.  I never really considered myself to be overweight until a few years ago when I started having back issues in my early thirties.  My lower back and hips started to ache and I realized it was because it was all the extra weight that I was carrying.

At that time I was fluctuating between and 18/20.  My jeans were a 20 but I wore I size 18 dress.  My weight was around 210 and I am 5’2″ — That’s a lot of weight on such a small frame.  Now, I have always been a heavier person.  Not in size but in weight.  When I was a size 6 I weight 135 pounds and people were telling me I looked anorexic.  There was some concern that I wasn’t eating enough.

A few months later my weight rose up to about 150 pounds that’s where I felt most comfortable.  I was a size medium and wore a size 10 dress.  My pants size stayed at a 10 as well. I was healthy and felt good and I like the way I looked in the mirror.  No matter what I will always have a pear shape.  I have hips and an ass that doesn’t go away no matter what.  I have a healthy acceptance of this. I am realistic and just want to get back into my size 10 dress.

I have no desire to model skinny. I am okay with being an average size.  I am realistic about my body type and what I can realistically achieve.  There’s no point in me wishing that I could change my body and be something that I am not.  Once I realized that something lifted off my shoulders and that’s when I really started to shed pounds.

I hate to say it but it has taken me almost three years to shed and keep off 25 pounds.  My eating habits are related to my emotional outlook so I am the master of yo-yo gaining and losing.  However, once I am settled in a weight and feel comfortable with myself I tend to stay there for years.  Still, it takes me quite a long time to get there and find solace in the new me.

Right now, I am a jeans and dress size 14.  I wear a large top.  It has taken me forever to really feel okay, here in this weight.  Just recently, I am at the point where I look at my body in the mirror and reflect the actual size that I am.  For a long time I still saw a size 18/20 body and couldn’t get past it.  I am not a shy person though.  Even at larger sizes I wear tighter clothing and heels and cute dresses.  I like to wear clothing that shows off my curves in a classy, sexy way.  Not a slutty way.  I like style and being fashion-forward.  By no means is my femininity wrapped up in my dress size.

There is this feeling, though.  Of loss.  Shedding pounds is not only about getting rid of the weight.  It’s about the emotional and physical transformation that goes with it.  I call it “shedding” instead of “losing” because I don’t ever want the weight back.  I definitely feel like a different person as I go through all the psychological work.  Yes, my shedding weight really affects me psychology.  The reason I gained the weight in the first place was to protect myself and hide from all the things I didn’t want to deal with.  So, as I get rid of pounds it’s like I have to be brave and open up myself to all those parts of myself I have been hiding from.  It’s all a little bit daunting sometimes.

Right now, I am at a plateau. I haven’t gone to the gym or yoga class since a few days before Thanksgiving. Partly, because of the holidays and moving and lots of other things that seemed to get in the way.  I still have been exercising though – walking and moving boxes and decorating and all sorts of other things.  During the holiday season I did not gain one single pound and I have been the exact same weight for three whole months.  Even though I haven’t shed any new weight that is still progress for me.  I am maintaining and feeling very comfortable in this size 14 body.  I have 25 pounds to go to get down to that size 10 dress.  I am at the middle of my journey.  Part of me can’t wait to get there.  However, the more realistic part of me is okay being the size I am right now because I feel healthy and I am in a place of liking myself.

This week I promised myself I would get back to my weekly exercise routine now that life has started to even out again. So, I will honor that and keep working on my goal.  But I am also going to revel in the fact that I got this far.  I am opening myself up little by little and evolving…It may take me to another three years to shed that last 25 lbs and that’s okay.  Transformation takes time.  Being honest with myself and dealing with my emotional issues is a slow process and I guess I need the time to work it out. I doubt that it will take me that long because the more I learn about myself the shorter the distance is to my next goal.  Still, I am not going to be hard on myself.  I am going to honor the journey…

• Comment on Reflecting on Shedding Weight